@WilliamAder

Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”

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@bazecraze

People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.

@joeljeffrey

When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend

@BigBec43

Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?

@Brentweets

Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.

@UnFitz

Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.

@Carbosly

Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?

This is God thanking them for bacon.

@jonnysun

i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years

@NurseMurderer

Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.

Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*

@XplodingUnicorn

*quits Twitter to spend time with family*

*remembers what family is like*

*quits family for Twitter*