Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”

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People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.


When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend


Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?


Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.


Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.


Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?

This is God thanking them for bacon.


i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years


Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.

Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*


*quits Twitter to spend time with family*

*remembers what family is like*

*quits family for Twitter*