Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
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Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.
Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journeyPunching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King
judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship
sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.
No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?
“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
Me: hey babe I got you something!
Wife: [from other room] it better not be that $400 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle I told you not to buy.
Me: [clicking in the last brick to the $399 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle] no it’s something different.
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)
My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?
Smallpox sounds so adorable
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”
Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds
[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.
Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.