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Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!
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“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.
I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.
Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
[speed dating, today]
him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!
*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?
Steve: what?
4: mommy, I don’t like you.
Me: why, what did I do??
4: *gives me a huge hug*
Me: uh
4: I only love grandma
Me: what is happening
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
is there nothing we can trust anymore
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up
The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.
*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*
Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work
Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked
Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?