Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
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I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.
Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
[tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved?
[me with mouthful of chips] YEAH
A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?
Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.
Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]
Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.
[God creating cheesecake]
GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good
ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?
GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]
[blind date]
Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.
Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT
Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.Parents in the 80s:
Bye.
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.
[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
Mother’s Day is great b/c you get to wake up to your kids fighting over who gets to give you your card first instead of regular fighting.
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*