@MrsJCtoyou

Twitter :

Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones

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@Marlebean

Hubby: If you could sleep with one of my frien…
Me: Frank
H: nd’s bedroom style decor
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: So you like shabby chic?

@Shade510

Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.

@AnitaAlibi

My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.

@TheNardvark

TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.

@KateWhineHall

“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”

@10InchesPlus

You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.

@PaperWash

God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?

@TweetPotato314

Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?

Date: actually, I love graveyards

Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?

@GuyThe_Guy

“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.

@TheToddWilliams

I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.