Hubby: If you could sleep with one of my frien…
H: nd’s bedroom style decor
H: So you like shabby chic?
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
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Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
God: kill your son
God: holy shit I’m jk
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?
Date: actually, I love graveyards
Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.