Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
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a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.
At a business meeting:
“How about SuperCupid?”
“No, expectations will be too high”
“GreatCupid?”
“Lower”
“Uhhh, OKCupid?”
“Brilliant”
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.