@CandyEmpires
@SwissArmyWife00 I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”
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@SwissArmyWife00 
@notnotreading 
@chelsealockw00d So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
@ceejoyner Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.
@murrman5 [in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”
@JasonNotEvil I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
@CarpentersCrack I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
@TheTweetOfGod Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
@isaiah_bb This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
@LordofScribble As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.