Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
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Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit
Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.
I CALL BULLSHIT
Let’s hear some tropes in TV/movies that are complete bullshit. I’ll start:
Dude making dinner produces a gourmet-looking dish, has a neatly folded hand towel thrown over his shoulder, and is wearing an *immaculate* white dress shirt. BULLSHIT!
I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!
6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”
Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.