Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
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The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
No, I don’t need a bag; I’m gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.
This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”
Click on account
Follows – 7
Followers – 0
Tweets – 0
Retweets – 0
AVI – Pretty girlMe: Okay, I can work with this.
HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.
ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
Oh deer
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.
Kids: CARROTS?!
Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps
I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?