Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
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How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.
[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.
him: hey have you ever seen house
her: house?
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
[me as a cop]
Me: Mrs Hill?
Woman: yes
Me: it’s Ms Hill now
Woman: huh
Me: ur husbands dead
Woman: h-how?
Me [hand on her shoulder]: he died
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH DUCKS
1. Vulnerable to attack by foxes b/c they’re too lazy to learn karate
2. Out of millions of ducks, only one (Scrooge McDuck) has conquered the business world. PATHETIC SUCCESS RATE
3. Too many handouts. GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN BREAD YOU LAZY DUCKS
Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.
My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.
u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm
