Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”

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I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”


So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.


Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.


[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”


I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts


I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.


Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.


As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.