@CandyEmpires

Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”

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@SwissArmyWife00

I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”

@chelsealockw00d

So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.

@ceejoyner

Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.

@murrman5

[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”

@JasonNotEvil

I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts

@CarpentersCrack

I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.

@TheTweetOfGod

Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.

@LordofScribble

As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.