Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?
Also Twitter: GIMME ALL THE SRIRACHA
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I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.
16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year
Husband: I’m taking new herbal supplements which mean I can’t eat chocolate
Me: I’m sorry I don’t understand
H: I can’t eat chocolate
Me: nope you’re making no sense *checks him for fever*
This is a fact based meme 😏😂
Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.
Skills
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning
I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
cat: so how u been
me: well, kinda been depressed about work and traffic was-
cat: [presses paw to my lips] lol shut up I don’t care feed me
Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.
I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.
“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”
Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.
*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
i was so happy to be snuggled on the couch with both my kids when my sweet daughter turned to me, patted me and sweetly said “mommy you have a big big tummy”
parenting is not for the faint of heart