@OhNoSheTwitnt

Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!

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@ItsAndyRyan

Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*

@MooseAllain

Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.

@daemonic3

*gets down on one knee*

Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?

@TheCatWhisprer

My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.

@Chay4Raghu

My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.

@thatcarlygirl

“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.

@SketchesbyBoze

VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine

@Shade510

Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.

~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.

@ValeeGrrl

Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.

@LlamaInaTux

[Being Tortured]

Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?

Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee

Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant