Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
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It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.
Her: OMG I love The Rock.
Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?
A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
me: why are you leaving me Barbar?
Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right
me: but I love you Brabra
When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
they should invent a rest for the wicked
boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.
Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry
Hubs:
*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
next time i open up to someone is during surgery
Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby
My great grandma used to regift the same nice plaid button-up shirts to my great grandpa every year. He’d thank her for them and then save them for a special occasion, and when Christmas came she’d wrap them again. He never seemed to notice.
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.
Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not