Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
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It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.
SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt
SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.
SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?
SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them
Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”
Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.
Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.
3: I’m adding another option!
Me: *
*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.
I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
*sniffs date’s hair*
[later on in ambulance]
“no, it’s my fault for not mentioning I’m allergic to japanese cherry blossoms”
me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?