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I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE
*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?
Me: Well, we have a problem.
Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.
Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something[Later on date]
ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?
Hate to drop this while everyone is focused on the debate but I will henceforth be pronouncing “mouth” the way it is pronounced in Dartmouth. Thank you for your time.
[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”
Well, shit
Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?
If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
This might not be true but we have house centipedes so I was looking up how to get rid of them and ppl were like don’t, they’re apex predators so they’ll eat all the other bugs, then the other centipedes and eventually you’ll be left with just one extremely powerful centipede
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”