Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist
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dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no
My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
| |
| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone
Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park
John Hammond:
Me:
John Hammond:
Me: I need to hear you to say it, John
Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!
I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.
Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.
On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A
I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.
Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
*exercises sarcastically*
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*
“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”
I want to look hot on tinder.
GF: What’s my biggest flaw?
ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you
GF: No come on, I mean pacifically
ME: We should split up
My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.
[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
goldfish mafia
My printer: Sorry, can’t print this out – I’m very low on magenta ink
Me: But I’m literally printing black text – there’s no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing
[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…