2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral
2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable
2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater
2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools
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An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.
ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple
ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.
EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo
SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL
Bartender: I’m cutting you off
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.
Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
My purse is deeper than some people.
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
Friend: Here, eat this molten ball of sugar that will definitely burn your mouth
Me: No way
Friend: what if I sandwich it between graham crackers and put a small peice of Chocolate inside?
Me: Yes, that sounds delightful
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
her: babe!
me: wait, I want to word this tweet right
her: BABE!!
me: and send… what was the question?
minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
[French restaurant]
DANIEL: Promise me, not again
MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?
[waiter comes]
D: Don-
M: [waves hand] Garcoff
I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?
-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult
This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo
Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.