Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
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*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious
Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?
3yo: dad.
Me: why aren’t you sleeping?
3yo: I am sleeping.
Me: then why are we talking?
3yo: so I could tell you I’m sleepIng.
Me: you’re kind of creepy at night.
SON: What’re you doing?
ME {scribbling maniacally on a sheet of paper}: Trying to find a solution to global warming!
SON: Cool
ME {slamming fist on the table}: That’s it!!
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
[date]
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.
My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”
Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.
You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
me: my friends:
If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.
70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.