#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
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I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms
Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other
doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…
My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
An investigative unit, led by officer Arthur “Bugs” Bunnington, has arrested three members of the notorious “Garden Gnomes”, who’ve been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks. Multiple items, including this 14ct necklace, have been recovered.
A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?
Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.
Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]
I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.
I love counterfeiting stuff
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
[Dr. Strange casting read]
Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ
Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?
Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt
“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
[city marathon]
ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?
RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS
ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?
Venn
“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: [snoring]
Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?