Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
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[on Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!
Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.
Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD
Buzzer: *beeps*
Studio audience: *groans*
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving
what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
😅🤣😂
Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”
me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you
My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!
*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
[bakery]
Robber: Give me all of your bread
Baker: *starts emptying the register*
Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.
They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.
My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
witch: what do u need?
me: a spell to make my dad proud
dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable
Divorce… The most common home improvement project.
[me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me
Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.
my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.
Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.
[Kitchen]
*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*
ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom