“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
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how to have fun when you’re poor
inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.
goldfish mafia
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again
He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.
[ark]
SHEM:It’s full
NOAH:Full?
SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space
NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen
Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.
[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror]
“My dead what?”
[ghost writes *YOU’RE]
AAHHHHHHHHHH!
People often ask me how I afford to live a lavish lifestyle while spending most of my day on Twitter. Here are a few tips.
1. Wake up early every morning
2. Build a work routine
3. Learn to delegate responsibility
4. Inherit a lot of money from parents
5. Sleep at time
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!
Friend: cool
Me: yeah even blood
Friend: um I gotta go
Me: lol no you’re staying
[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.
HER: i’m leaving you
HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?
HER: both
HIM: [under breath] inconceivable
If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.