‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
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My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.
CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.
*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*
I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!
*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
Stages of a quick trip to Costco:
1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*
Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope
“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.