@missekay

‘Two can play that game…’

-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work

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@slyoung5

To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.

@EndhooS

Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’

@fro_vo

ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity

ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot

@JohnLyonTweets

Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.

@bourgeoisalien

PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-

TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now

@HousewifeOfHell

My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona

@_odlanyeR

I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults

@ceejoyner

[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok

@angeliav68

Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.

@IamEnidColeslaw

ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies