‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
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“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]
Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again
Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs
Jeremy: That’s really cool dad
Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually
Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog
Me: are you ready?
Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-
Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick
A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other
[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
Daughter: This is a long movie preview.
Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?
Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]
genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.
Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.
Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?
driving is absolutely insane. I’m gonna hop in this metal box and roll around so fast that hitting literally anything might kill me
MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
I’m such a great mom. I taught my kids archaeology during quarantine.
I mean, they dug up an opossum skull while they were digging a trench in the backyard unsupervised.
A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I’m wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.