Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
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I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*
Her: what’s this?
Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms
Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
called in thicc to work this morning
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?
USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes
“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.
Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.
[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.
Friend: Flyers for what?
Me: Some club called VIOLATION.
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.
[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
*God invents corgis*
God: what ingredients do we have left
Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet
God: lol check this out
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,