Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.
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Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.
My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.
“The truth has finally been revealed” around the world:
5. The cat is out of the bag (English)
4. The bunny is out of the hat (Czech)
3. The pigeon falls out of your mouth (Romanian)
2. The turtle’s feet have appeared (Taiwanese)
1. Now the monkey comes out of the sleeve (Dutch)
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.
RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.
Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
Men, start giving your partners more inventive compliments. “You have the sort of face that a Victorian novelist would describe as amiable.” “You could play Tony Blair’s wife in a movie starring Timothee Chalamet.” Try it!
God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly
Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
[before tattoos were invented]
ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer.
Me: yea I got arrested once
Niece: omg why
Me: for going through my aunt’s drawers.
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???
My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.
I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.
Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
[First date]
DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.
ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.
DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?
ME: It’s not my arm.
7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
M: Join the club.
Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe