Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia
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Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
this is 10/10 content no notes
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”
(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)
School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.
Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?
Taylor Swift’s bf: Aw babe I’m really tired tonight
Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)
Taylor Swift’s bf: I’ll go check the fridge
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
Anakin: Want to go out?
Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.
Anakin:
Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.
Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
I once stayed at an Airbnb where the bathroom had a jacuzzi, a heated floor and warmed towels. I prefer hotels now, because I don’t have to be forcibly removed from them.
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
why did we just collectively decide that fantasy worlds need to be populated solely by british, irish, scottish, welsh, new zealand, and australian accents? i want ethereal faires who sound like they were born and raised on a farm in tennessee
Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this
WIFE: please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[later]
THEM: so how did you two meet?
ME: I did NOT buy her on eBay
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar
It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house
The difference is staggering
SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER
1: Can I do the cancan?
2: You mean may, not can
1: Can I do the canmay?
2: No, the first can
1: Can I do the maycan?
2: No. May I do the cancan
1: No
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
[Element Support Group]
Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming
I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.
But, yeah, let me raise two kids.