[two coworkers walk into my office]
Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!
Me: Where?
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I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.
♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫
She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.
[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful
*throws goods on conveyor belt*
Cashier: is that all sir?
Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.
*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!
Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
Pluto
“Call a vet” *hangs up*
Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.