Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
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Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
much to think about
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
me:
Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
Willie Wonka: Lickable wallpaper!
Oompa Loompa #24: We’ve done that.
Willie Wonka: But this time they’re laced with antidepressants!
Veruca Salt: The snozzberries taste like… like… *sniff* like I can forgive my mother…
and now we wait
tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away
Seth Rogen: Hey man, I’m bored
James Franco: Ok fine, we’ll make another movie
SR: Oh do we have a new script?J: [Laughs in James Franco]
S: [Laughs in Seth Rogen]
Life Hack: Get a dog and a cat and name them Resident and Occupant. Now that junkmail isn’t annoying, it’s adorable.
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage
[grocery store]
me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
[kill bill sirens]
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”
Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”
Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
In the bathroom stall and written on the bottom of the door, ” Beware of Limbo Dancers” I wanted to star it and re-stall it one door over.
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.
SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…
I know it’s dying but it’s difficult for me to let go of this app. I met my wife through Twitter. Who knows what other wives I could meet? Maybe even my second wife.