Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!
Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*
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For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.
I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it
My tumbleweed is never where I left it.
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
[buying treadmill]
Me: Can I try it out first?
Salesperson: Sure
Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.
Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.
“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.
me: it’s okay in my book
5: what book? can I see the book?
me: it’s hypothetical
5: what’s hypothetical mean?
me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…
Earth reviews
⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”
13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day
Me: What have you written so far?
13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”
M: Good opener.
Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.
“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets
if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer
Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.
But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.
I call bullshit.
I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.
Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom
Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:
-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes