Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
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I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”
Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:
1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors
Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass
Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?
Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you
Scientist: too late
gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope
Me: *in fancy men’s clothes shop having just been told he price of the suit I was admiring* “Yes, yes I see… and how much for the hanger?”
Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs
if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody
Me: I can’t trust her with my ant farm
Wife: he means the kids
Me: I trust them even less
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
“you changed” bro i was 15
True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp is adorable, but it would never work with humans. Nobody wants to see two dogs sharing a plate of humans.
We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it
Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies
Me: and they never will be!
If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.
[creation of spinach]
God: Make it slimy and gross when they cook it, like seaweed. And it should be dark green, and when they eat it, it sticks in their teeth.
Angel: Is everything okay at home?
whats the most professional email sign off that implies if you have to follow up in any way you’re prepared to put the recipient in a wood chipper? for me it’s thanks.
Stop sending me this shit.
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.