[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
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you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.
Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids
COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
Aisle 3: oh my god hi!
Aisle 5: haha hi
Aisle 9: yeah hello…
Aisle 10: [little smile]
Aisle 13: I swear to god I will cut you if I see your face again-Death spiral of a friendship when you keep running into them at Target
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
so my mum bought a lamb for £20 so it doesn’t get killed tomorrow and is planning to keep her in the garden with the dogs???? Honestly wish I could say I’m surprised but it’s very her
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:
– candy 🍬🍭🍫
– parties🍕🎉🍻
– costumes👯👺👽
– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹
– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲
Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo
*family screams*
SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick
Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 😜
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology