Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.
You Might Also Like
“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden
Antelope: o no
Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want
Antelope: omfg
As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.
It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?
Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?
CAUTION:
Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.
JOHN MAYER: i wanna run through the halls of my high school
ME: i do not relate
JOHN MAYER: i wanna scream at the top of my lungs
ME: [nodding] ok now we’re talking
Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.
If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.
the short answer to this question
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength
My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
It’s dumb to call the Super Bowl winner “World” Champions. With all these UFOs they should be called Intergalactic Champions
(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture