Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
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It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?
Me: Yes!
Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?
Me: Yes!
If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.
*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*
OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.
The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*
Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
[on my way back to the posting caves]
If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers
“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.
If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”