Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
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gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
wife: 9 got a ninja costume. Pretend you can’t see him
9 [standing in front of the fridge] *giggles*
me *hits him in the face with the door*
i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff
gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.
Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing
Obama: Carter is still alive
Biden: He doesn’t know that
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end
i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day
Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.
Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?
Builder: We’ll just take it bidet by bidet.
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
(First date)
Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?
Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.
Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.
i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am
I like doormats that say ‘Welcome’ but they don’t go far enough. I want a trail of doormats saying ‘Welcome’, ‘How was your journey?’, ‘Can I take your coat?’, ‘How’s the family?’, ‘Well, it’s getting late’ and ‘Thanks for coming’. Automate the whole process of entertaining.
stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons
When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.
Me: let’s take those jeans!
Her: idk, that’s stealing
Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice
Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.