Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
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Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.
My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
My 2022 Resolutions:
1. Don’t die
2. Race a sloth
3. Develop new trust issues
4. Offend more people by being myself
5. Don’t use hashtags
6. Keep tweeting crap like this
The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.
You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.