@TEXASVETERAN
@daemonic3 “KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
You Might Also Like
@daemonic3 
@freedomtosee “If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!
@Your_Boy_Dylan How did girls text before emojis?
Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP
@Storminika If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
@JohnHilsen Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.
@Breadery Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
@Dad_At_Law My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.
@Paxochka I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
@Brianhopecomedy I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
@LackOfShame Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.