Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.
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Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.
Adult: What’s that a drawing of?
Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family
My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
[firing squad]
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.
Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
[McDonald’s drive thru]
ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke
HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”
*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*
“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
*Asteroid crushes Earth*
“Dammit Dad.”
power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention
Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist.
Which is too bad.
Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”
Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.
justin timberlake: lose the “the.” just “facebook.” it’s cleaner
mark zuckerberg: wow. yeah
me: [bought the domain name “ back in 1997 and have been looking for my opening ever seen]: or what if we called it yogurt dot com
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
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