Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.
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INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom
ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no
One of the moms at school pickup always yells “hi, chicken nugget” to her kid, and that’s a level of parental embarrassment I can only aspire to
wife: we should get a pet
me: *nodding* a wolf
wife: are you insane? those are dangerous
me: a large dog
wife: ok thats a good compromis-
me: that hates the moon
Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.
when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast
You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*
“order in the court!”
*Bangs gavel*
Chicken wings, your honor!
[after 3 months in prison]
I think the joke was worth it.
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.
Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you…r underwear elastic to break because I don’t wish bodily harm on you but I think you deserve to be mildly inconvenienced.