“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”

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Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”


I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.


Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.


*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.


“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.


A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.


*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*


Cannibals don’t drink coffee.

They have a cup of Joe instead.


Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.


Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.