@ItsAndyRyan

“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”

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@illuminatedwndr

the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am

@Cheeseboy22

Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)

@JamesonN7

If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.

@Robert_Beau

The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.

@maryfairybobrry

Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?

@WheelTod

*Calling from the bakery

Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”

Her: “Surprise me!”

Me: “I think I’m gay”

@StansaidAirport

The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.

@DeadLioness

What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.