Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
You Might Also Like
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…
ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”
I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.
[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now
Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.
Many many moons ago:
Teacher: Well 75% of you passed math exams and will not have to go to summer school this year
Me from the back: “YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 45% OF US”
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.
Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.
[first date]
ME: That’s a pretty name.
CASSIE: Thank you!
ME: Is it short for Casserole?
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”
~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.