Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…
1. I don’t have a swimming pool.
2. I don’t have a girlfriend.
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@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.
My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.
I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.
I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
Horrifying if literal: a handbag
Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
At first I thought my daughter was sick because she was sluggish and laid on the couch on her phone all day, but then I realized those were just symptoms of day 4 of Christmas break.
*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
ME: Eve-
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti
Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide
Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!
I’ve had a lot of frank conversations with my daughters about the perils of growing up, drugs and boys and strangers and whatnot, but the one lesson I hope that sticks above all others is how they must be very, very careful about what they do to their eyebrows.
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.
The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500