“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”
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Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.
Husband: Great! What should we be?
Me: I meant me and the dog.
Husband: Of course you did.
[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin
[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–
[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…
[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*
Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park
[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
I have mixed feelings about birthdays, the aging sucks but I do quite enjoy using the day to manipulate people into giving me things.
I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)
Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)
Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.
How software testing works
genie: you have three wishes
me: i want 1000 ants to protect me
genie: you got it
me: psychic ants
genie: uh ok
me: make them as big as a blue whale
genie: dude what’s wrong with you
Me: I’ll take one insurance
Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that
Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please
“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”
Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.
Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!
[Waking up in Heaven]
This is all super nice, but how did I die?
Angel: You died doing what you loved.
Me: intimidating men?
Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you
Me: classic
HR: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: As your boss, so it would behoove you not to annoy me with this line of questioning.