Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
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Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.
One killed the padawans.
The other was abandoned in the desert
I’m dreading that class reunion.
Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.
teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle
me: that thing with the harp and wings
teacher: never mind
No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do
😜
An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
Hello, my name is Pierre.
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog
They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.
[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.
HIGH SCHOOL BAND TEACHER: Look, you’ve failed at every other classical instrument we have. Do you think you could manage the triangle?
ME: I’ll make you proud, sir!–CONCERT NIGHT–
ME, standing outside, banging on triangle with a ladle: CONCERT’S READY, Y’ALL! COME N’ GIT IT!
My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes
If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.
SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.
HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?
SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.
HK: Is…is that so?
*distant Wagner music*
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine
[high school reunion]
me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes
*overheard from the other room
8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?
Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?
8yo: No
Grandma: Just one then