Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.

me, turning into a werewolf: get out of here. it’s not safe

girl: [holding a tennis ball behind back] i think i’ll b fine lmao

Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?

A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.

I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.

succession but with mickey mouse and friends

Sat in the waiting room at the vet and a lady just came walking in and goes “oh f**k, I’ve left the dog at home” 😂😂

still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again

[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?

If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.

Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.

After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.

excel: ope you don’t need that leading zero right

me: yes. that’s why i typed it th-

excel: there you go we’ve cleaned up all leading zeros

me: i need tha-

excel: zeros are icky

I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….

“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm

9: Why do some British people drop the t’s in their accents?

Me: Cause they have different accents from different parts of England.

9: No it’s cause they drank all the teas!

My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.

I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.

*Telephone Rings*

Advice Nurse: Hello, how can I assist you today?

Werewolf: *sweating* CAN I EAT CHOCOLATE?

Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”

“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”

[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit

I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.

70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.

Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.

Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.

Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR

nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.

When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.

Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.

there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord

Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.

Me: Thank you.

Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.