Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.
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You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room
Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon
Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?
“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.
I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.
I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
First Date
Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.
Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?
me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me
therapist: no
8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.
Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
My girlfriends good traits :
She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.
Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!
No selfies while hijacking a train.
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
-Sorcery
– tie with ribbon
centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. I’m very secretive