Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.
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[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive
I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.
Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?
Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation
[Flashback]
King Solomon: more porcupines
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
If she’s interested in you she will reply
If she isn’t, she won’t
Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take
This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?
Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.
Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-
Why my cw hates me
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit
i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.
CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.
Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.
Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.