Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
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[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
I’ve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and I’m really starting to think that my friends & I aren’t going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And that’s just sad.
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.
Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.
If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.
[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”
Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.
Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?
me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.
“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*
Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori
I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*
Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’
Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous