Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
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I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.
Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”
🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?
Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired
I hate it when I’m at work and someone asks “are you at free at the moment?”. Please expand further so I can know if I’m free or not.
Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans
“Deal.” — Mother Nature
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
Her: What’s that account pin again?
Me: 051598
Her: Our wedding anniversary?
Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.
Her:
Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)
Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
[trial in gotham]
lawyer: please state your name for the court
bruce wayne: batman
lawyer:
judge:
jury:
bruce wayne: wait shit no
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”
Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-
Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!
[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think she’s turning left
Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.
I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”
If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”
Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”