two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second
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Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
“It’s April Fools Day. I can’t wait to play tricks on Dad ALL day.” – my 5yo. His first trick: Getting him “coffee,” but putting water in his cup instead. He is so excited.
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries
“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”
They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.
I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂
We take our 40% off sale seriously at
Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man
OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?
Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG
*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe
Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”
Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.
“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
DON’T EVER CATCH UP ON YOUR LAUNDRY
YOUR KIDS WILL GET A STOMACH BUG AND BARF ON EVERYTHING
{big laundry wrestles the microphone away from me}
IT’S A TRAP!
HEY LET GO OF ME!
If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
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