Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:
1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math
You Might Also Like
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
This hospital has everything
I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat
Chairman: I’d like everyone to go over what they chose as their mascots.
Burger King: A king.
Wendy’s: A joyous child.
Mcdonald’s: I didn’t know we- um, a clown? Like a big nasty clown.
Chairman:
Mcdonald’s: A big nugget. Maybe purple. No wait how about a moist little thief?
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
Follow me for more recipes.
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
me: this is my cousin, carlos
wife: nice to meet you
carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto
me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind
Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch
Friday night plans
*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac
Me: Ok, the pan for homemade naan is heated and ready, rice is cooking, butter chicken is simmering, chicken nuggets for the younger kids are in the air frier, and veggies are steaming. Dinner may just be on time.
Narrator: Dinner was late. He forgot to turn on the air frier.
Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.
I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
Got flagged by airport security because my son had a Magic 8 Ball in his backpack. Two TSA agents debated whether it was ok. My husband said, “If only we had a simple way to answer a yes or no question…” Crickets.
[shakes fist at other fist]
The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship
I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
[shows her my bedroom]
And this is where the magic happens…
[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]
*brings therapist to family gathering*
Me: See?
Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ