Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
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Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
Funny women are smart. Be careful.
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
welp
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years
CLICK HERE TO SUPPORT BREAST CANCER
“okay” *click*
WHY ARE YOU SUPPORTING BREAST CANCER U MONSTER
“oh no”
[mom from other room] WTF KYLE
walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…
[on the phone]
ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis
ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis
Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.
Mom: Where’s your brother?
Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes
Mom: Mosh?
Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]
Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes
Bobby pin
The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.
Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
Thank you for calling our automated help line. To save time, please answer these 8 questions about your account that our live agent will then re-ask you if I ever eventually connect you to them.
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
[cavemen, having discovered fire, tentatively placing part of an animal carcass above the flames]
[my mother, suddenly appearing out of a time machine] You know you can do that just as easily in the air fryer.
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.