Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
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Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.
I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.
“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let’s watch
[camera zooms in]
Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*
Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*
Spa day..😅
Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners
How to cow tip:
First, sneak up behind the cow.
Next, get into a wide stance.
Finally, slip the money into it’s bell.
“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
Me: A friend sent me a truly amazing gif the other day.
Husband: Oh really?
Me: Yeah, it was……
Husband: Oh gods, don’t say it……
Me: The gif that keeps on giving.
*Husband leaves room.
The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
This gonna be me in 2 weeks
Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.
#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺
During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.
The first time my daughter met her Great Aunt she turned to me and moistly whispered “I thought it was weird that you called her great, but I see it now”
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
Me: *tied up*
Guy: *hits my kneecap*
M: I’m not a rat!
G: Bring in her sworn enemy!
G2: *tosses Rubik’s Cube at me*
M: Oh god no! I’ll talk!
Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.
If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes
Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode
Me: What?
Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?
Me: Why are you being like this?
Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
[Thanksgiving Dinner]
“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”
“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”
“Yeahhhh, that’s the good stuff. Look at that color. Mmmmm, flavor off the charts. You can just serve this raw but I like to add a bit of salt” – guy on The Food Network boiling water