*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*
Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!
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I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
Death: I’m coming for you.
Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.
Death: Lol, k.
Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.
Death: You’re not even that hot.
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”
Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?
Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?
Shout out to the lady at the gym who just yelled into her phone ‘THE ONLY PROBLEM IN MY LIFE IS YOU BRIAN’; hung up and went right back to her workout
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.
yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside
I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way
might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
“Sexy role play.. I’ll be a dentist.”
“I’m here for my appointment”
“Did you book in with Karen first?”
“No?”
“Please leave, I’m very busy.”
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here
LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied
I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.
Me recordaron éste meme
Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.