Two types of dogs.
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It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
God: you hate the moon.
Wolf: why?
God: he stole your girlfriend.
Wolf: I have a girlfriend?
God: not anymore.
Wolf: because the moon-
God: -stole her yes.
Wolf: I hate the moon.
God: I know.
Wolf: I just miss her so much.
God: let it out.
Wolf: [takes a deep breath]
Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.
The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.
Her: How’s your drink?
Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though
Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake
Jesus loves me. This I know.
For my neighbor told me so.
Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.
I’m flattered…but straight.
My child: Picks cookie with the most icing
Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off
my gf opening a package: i need something sharp
me: okay 🙂
her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u
me: okay 🙁
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
seminar…
Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices
noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”
You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?
lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.
I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.
I woke up and did 75 crunches.
Cap’n Crunches, but still.
You: Wow, check out that cool dog
Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area
Growing out my freckles.
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea