Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
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The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid**checks for abs, finds a clown
Differences between coffee and sex:
– I had coffee before and after getting married
– I can have coffee with my wife’s sister without it being a big thing
– I’ve never paid $300 to have coffee
– I am encouraged to have coffee at Starbucks
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?
Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.
Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!
Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada
Stooooppp!!! 😂😂
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
My kids are teenagers, and I’ve found the same thing fixes their bad moods as when they were toddlers: a snack and a nap.
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
I’ve never wanted to be a sci-fi actress but I do think I’d make a terrific “blonde in black glasses suddenly looks up from her computer with a WAIT…POSSIBLE GIANT MUTANT INSECT INVASION SOUNDS BAD expression”
At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
Merlin: What now?
Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police
Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.
You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
I’m dying louder than usual today.
interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?
me: flattery
interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?
me: that smile
interviewer: 😳
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
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Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.