[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]
Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse
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my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician
*Later*
My dad: so what do you do?
Him: I get paid to lie to people
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
imagine marrying someone and then finding out they don’t want to name the dog after an italian cuisine and you have to take the children and Tiramisu and leave in the middle of the night
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks
” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”
Me if I was on the Titanic.
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.
2019: starts making risotto
2021: almost done but not quite
If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.
*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.
Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.