Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first day as a Detective]

me: omg he was invisible

partner: that’s a chalk outline

me: [under breath] and they stole the body

we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse

Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝

Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.

Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?

Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.

Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.

Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

[fans out the deck]

Pick a card, any card..

Memorize it..

[hits you in the face with a shovel]

KING OF SPADES!

[walks off]

Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.

me: ever heard of quasimodo

him: doesn’t ring a bell

me: i assure you he does

My kid: You know what I’m thinking??

Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?

Body: ok sleepy time.

Brain: ok thinky time.

You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car

be safe out there!

Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!

I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.

9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?

I’m THIS MANY drunk!!

*holds up waffle*

you (uncultured): Ok.

me (cultured): Othousand.

Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written

doctor: describe your average night

me: they wear suits of armor

doctor: no I mean at bedtime

me: they probably take it off

How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face

My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.

So I packed my bags and right left away !

girl: tough guys are hot

Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*

I have a gauntlet I just never use it

*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*

I love this

My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:

6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.

Me: Why not?

6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.

The next time you’re hesitant to call or email your elected official because your issue doesn’t seem important enough…

Just remember how many times they texted you begging for $5

Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.

Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.