Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
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Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.
GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.
How to open new toy:
1. Cut tape with machete.
2. Take shot.
3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.
4. Take 3 shots.
5. Watch child play with box.
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
parents: you are what you eat
kids:
Parenting makes total sense when you’re doing it but probably seems weird from the outside. My wife just hid a pair of my toddler’s pants because ‘they were too much drama’ and that explanation seemed totally reasonable to me.
If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?
Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.
Me: Really? Just me?
Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.
Me: I don’t have time for players.
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.
just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀
[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
cop: …
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious
Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake
Me to my boss: Hey I have to wfh today, I couldn’t answer the riddles three. Yep, they didn’t let me across the bridge. I’ll see you on Teams though.
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
6: Mommy, why is that man wearing his baseball cap backwards?
Me: Because he was alive in the 1990s, sweetheart
Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*
Friend: Bad breakup?
Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.
To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
🚲+physics = winner
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
Stop sending me this shit.
Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’