@RunOldMan If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
@thepunningman [two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”
You Might Also Like
@RunOldMan 
@ArfMeasures Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?
FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ
@Pork_Chop_Hair When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
@Tommytoughstuff Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
@deloisivete My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
@noog [sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”
@IDontSpeakWhine I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”
If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.
@schumyxxx I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
@Mr_Mike_Clarke Boom, boom, ching!
@sofarrsogud ‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla-Me as a teacher