[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”
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I am a(n):
🔘 unknowable entity in the deep wood
🔘 a morally grey companion to defend me from the wizard who has been hunting me for centuries
“My desires are… unconventional.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?
Detective: He’s white
Other detective: A muscular build
Me: He kills people
Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”
Cop: I pulled you over because your driving has been erratic
Me: oh, I think the guy in my trunk was trying to communicate with me via Morse code
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
Spelling bees. Why aren’t other competitions called ‘bees’? The Football Bee. The Great Cooking Bee. The Presidential Bee. Send.
At least my masseuse has my back.
If every day is a gift, I’d have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day.
Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.