@thepunningman

[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”

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@RunOldMan

If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.

@ArfMeasures

Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?

FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ

@Pork_Chop_Hair

When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.

@Tommytoughstuff

Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.

@deloisivete

My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute

@noog

[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”

@IDontSpeakWhine

I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”

If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.

@sofarrsogud

‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla

-Me as a teacher