Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
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farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*
Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”
CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight
*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
ME: sure
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man
A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent
Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.
P L E E Z
T O D A Y
N E E D U
S U I N G ✅
I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!
universe: you deserve a break
me: wow thanks
universe: *winks*
me: *tumbles down the stairs*
Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
My wife gives the best headache.
My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?(Lionel Richie, speed dating)
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time
ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?
Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.
*carrying dog*
Clerk: no pets allowed
Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.
C: You tried that last week.
M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!
*Me as a detective*
Me: Who’s the victim?
Cop:
M: Who is it?
C: No jokes please, promise?
M: Ok, promise.
C: A tarot reader.
M:
C:
M: Well, I guess a long life for her..
C: Please don’t.
M: ..just wasn’t in the cards.
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs